Well, here we are…another summer upon us. Believe it or not, tomorrow is June 1st. The beginning. The end. Depending on how you look at it. It’s the beginning of something new. Something exciting. Something different. Something unexpected. Something unknown. Something scary. But it’s the end, too. It’s the end of another spring. The end of a rough two months. The end of “faking it really well for our guest groups and never letting them know we only had 2 full-time staff here for the last two months.” The end of the wondering. The worries. The “what-if’s.” The “are we ready?” Whether we are ready or not, here it is.
I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m fearful. I’m afraid. I’m anxious. I’m puzzled. I’m feeling out-of-control. Isn’t it funny that I have no recollection of how I felt at this time last year. I found this post, but I don’t think that really expresses how I felt. I do remember I was missing Paul…it was strange for him to be gone so long. I’m used to seeing him all the time b/c we live and work together and at the same place. Other than missing Paul, I think I felt more relaxed then than I do now. I can’t imagine that I would’ve, considering we had only been working here for 3 months, but I have no idea. Maybe I blocked out…
I’m feeling very out-of-control right now. Last year, for most of the summer, I cooked all 3 meals. I did the meal planning, I ordered all the food, I made the cooking schedule (heck, I was the cooking schedule), so I knew what was going on every day, all day. If someone didn’t show up to cook, it was my fault because I was that person. This summer we have a 19 year old cooking breakfast everyday. I’m really nervous. In the back of my mind, I am rejoicing that I don’t have to get up at 6:00AM everyday to cook (it’s a glorious day when I can sleep until 8:30AM), but at the same time, dread inevitably follows that rejoicing. Dread. Worry. Anxiety. All of the above.
People keep telling me to let go. Trust him. Let him do his thing. Let him mess up. Let him fail. He’ll learn. So much easier said than done…
Isn’t it funny that we can pray over and over to allow God to come in and take our worry away. And yet we don’t leave room for Him to come.
“We must learn to let go, to give up, to make room for the things we have prayed for and desired.” Charles Fillmore.
This quote kind of hit me today…in the gut. If I pray for God to come in and take over, shouldn’t I at least make room for him? If I pray and desire for Him to be a part of my schedule each day, shouldn’t I allow that? What a novel concept…yet so hard to grasp.
This is another quote that I found that I really like. Of course, me “liking” it doesn’t do much, unless I actually take it to heart, huh? Well, that’s another struggle for another day.
“Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible–controlling that which we cannot–and instead, focus on what is possible–which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.”
I, Callie Tanner, am a control freak. I, Callie Tanner, like to be in control. I, Callie Tanner, like to be in charge.
There…I said it. I confessed. I want to be in control.
Therefore, I have a really hard time letting go of this whole “breakfast thing.” I have a hard time letting someone else take that position. Again, secretly, I’m cheering that my alarm won’t go off until 7:00AM (when Paul has to get up), but again…letting go is very painful.
“Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment…”
Wow! Trying to make people behave…that’s me…that’s what I do. I’m not proud of it, but I do. I want people to do things my way. My order. I gotta give that up…I gotta let go…
I’m tired just thinking about it…oh well, here’s to another summer.
If you could, please say a prayer for us this summer. Paul is dealing with some different dynamics that he didn’t have last year. I am also having to “let go” of some things (as expressed), and I’m really having a hard time with it.